


Worth It

by neverthelessthesun



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (mentioned) - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Tony Stark, M/M, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Out of Character, Past Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, and he gets one, canon Tony isn’t this depressed (hopefully)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 07:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14039187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverthelessthesun/pseuds/neverthelessthesun
Summary: Tony is trying to make himself worth it to Steve. He doesn’t know where he is failing.





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for clicking! I wrote this at work when I was supposed to be doing other things. 
> 
> Warnings: heed the tags. This work contains descriptions of feeling worthless and self-loathing thought processes which are cathartic for me to write about, but may be triggering for some readers. 
> 
> Enjoy!

What could I do to make it worth it to Steve? Tony thought. He didn’t want gifts, as was made apparent by the way his face scrunched each time Tony tried to give him something. “Tony, I don’t need this,” he would say. So Tony stopped trying to give him things.

“Tony, what are you doing?” he asked when Tony would give him tickets to a show, or a museum exhibit, or a baseball game. “I really don’t have time to visit all these. I appreciate the thought, but my schedule is so full already.” So Tony switched to trying to clear Steve’s schedule, but that was shot down, too.

“I can handle a few meetings, Tony! Why are you trying to lock me out?” Tony quickly assured Steve he wasn’t, he was sorry.

Tony tried sparring with him more frequently, but Steve passed on more time in the gym. He tried buffing up his PR team, but Steve hardly noticed the better media coverage. He designed, developed and fabricated new gear, and while Steve was appreciative, he didn’t lose that faintly disapproving frown he got sometimes.

Tony tried harder. He redesigned Steve’s suite. “You didn’t have to do this, Tony,” He started a new charity. “Sarah Rogers Center for Children’s Medicine? Wow, Tony, I mean, thanks, I guess,” He changed his own behavior, too—he stopped drinking and smoking, he payed attention in debriefs, he followed orders in the field. But still, Steve’s demeanor didn’t change. If anything, it got worse.

“I worry you’re spending too much time on outside projects,” Steve mentioned one day. “You should take it easy. Maybe focus on one thing at a time, don’t overload yourself?”

So Tony dropped everything that wasn’t necessary for SI and the Avengers. He grew desperately bored, but he wouldn’t let himself touch even JARVIS’ code updates.

“You seem tense, Tony. When was the last time you took some time off?”

So Tony flew out to Malibu for a week, but he was even more tense when he came back.

“Tony,” Steve said.

“Yes, Fine, I will do whatever you say, Cap, just give me three minutes,” Tony muttered. He finished the bracer he was working on for Clint, then turned to give Steve his full attention. Steve liked that, he thought it showed respect.

“What can I do for you?”

“Tony, are you okay?”

Tony scoffed. He was so very far from okay. He was going insane trying to keep Steve as happy as possible, trying to bend his life into a shape Steve would like. “Yup, I’m golden.”

Steve sighed. “I just wanted to thank you. I see you’ve been trying really hard to be a good host to us, and I appreciate it. I mean, it shows. That you’re trying.”

“What am I missing?” Tony asked before he could stop himself.

Steve looked up at him, confused. “What?”

“I’ve done everything I can think of. What is missing? Is it the team? Do I need to be more social with the team? It’s not the meetings, I tried that. Are you homesick?”

“What—Tony, I’m fine. What are you talking about?”

“You said I’m trying. Implied in that is, I’m failing somewhere. If you’d tell me where, I could fix it.”

Steve looked like he was going to be sick. “Tony—“

“Or if you want me to guess, I need better clues. I hate guessing. But, no, it’s fine, if that’s what you want. We can play the game. I used to be good at the game, I’m just a little rusty. Didn’t expect to have to play it in my own house.”

Steve hadn’t lost that sick look. Tony shouldn’t have said anything. “Tony. Nothing is missing. You’ve been kinder to me than I deserve. I don’t—want to play any game.” He stepped a little closer to Tony, his hands coming up helplessly, as if to touch him. “I’m…worried about you.”

The way Steve was looking at him didn’t make any sense. He looked like…like he cared. About Tony.

Tony ran through his list of things he could do for Steve. What was missing? He was a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist…

Wait. Back up a second. Playboy.

Tony lowered his lashes and looked through them, in that way he knew was sultry. He heard Steve’s bitten off gasp. Of course. He leaned into Steve’s space, testing. Steve moved toward him, too, like a pendulum.

It was so obvious! How had Tony missed it?

He smashed his lips against Steve’s, hard and unyielding. Steve kissed back, too, his hands finally settling on Tony’s shoulders. Tony brought his hands up to tug at the front of Steve’s shirt, moaning into it. It was perfect, Steve’s heat all around him, and the thought of making Steve happy was all but lost under a wave of endorphins.

Suddenly, though, Steve stopped. He pulled away, and Tony whined at the loss. Then it all came crashing down on him again—Steve must not have liked it. He messed up.

“I can do it better,” he murmured, tracing Steve’s button-down. “I can make it so good for you. Please, Steve, let me.”

Tony tried to drop to his knees, but Steve’s grip on his shoulder stopped him. “Hold on, wait a second. Don’t—hush.” Steve placed a soft hand over his mouth. “Give me a moment to process.” Tony stood obediently silent.

Steve gazed carefully at his face, searching for something. Tony tried to project usefulness, value, anything that would get Steve to kiss him like that again.

“You don’t have to change for me,” Steve finally said. He was too smart for his own good.

“I have no idea what—” The hand over his mouth was back.

“I’m not done. It just occurred to me that the reason it feels like we lost you somewhere along the way is, you’ve been carving out bits of yourself. You don’t talk as much after I complained about your chatter on the comms, you overworked yourself almost to exhaustion until I mentioned it, then you pulled back like it was killing you. You took a vacation when I asked, you…you’re doing it all to please me. But, Tony, you’re my friend. Hiding your personality, doing things you don’t want to do to try and…make me happy, that isn’t what I want.

“I want Tony back. I want you to mouth off to me, or spend all day working on a project that has you excited, or go to a baseball game or hang out with the team, but only if those things make you happy. I want you to take care of yourself, sure, and I’d like it if you’d be a little more careful not to get hit in the field, but—” He cupped Tony’s face. “I want you to be you. Not a front, not what you think I want. Just Tony.”

Tony took a few moments to process himself, and he came up empty. “But, I have to. I have to be worth it for you. To spend time with me.” He managed.

Steve made a soft frustrated noise and pressed their foreheads together. “No, Tony, sweetheart. You don’t have to do anything. I like spending time with you.”

Tony tried to see things from Steve’s perspective, but it just clashed too much with what he’d been telling himself. “I don’t—I want to kiss you again.” Kissing made sense.

Steve smiled softly. He leaned forward and pressed his lips chastely to the corner of Tony’s mouth. It was the sweetest kiss Tony had ever received.

“You are worth it to me.” Steve smiled sort of painfully and stepped back. “And if you don’t want this, then you shouldn’t do it.”

“No!” Tony crushed himself against Steve’s chest again. “No, I want you, I want this. I didn’t think you would let me, until I was good enough.”

Steve got that faintly pinched, disapproving look on his face again. “What are you thinking?” Tony asked.

“I’m trying to figure out who told you that you weren’t good enough.”

Tony huffed. “Only everyone. My dad. Stane. Sunset. Ty. Rhodey. Pepper.”

“I don’t know who all those people are, but I know Pepper and Rhodey love you very much.” Tony had to admit that this was true, even though both of them had to be paid to hang out with him. “And, I didn’t know your dad too well, really, but he never seemed like the type of man who could hate a child.” Tony didn’t have to admit that one was true. “And the team? We all like you, Tony. Not one of the Avengers would ever think you weren’t good enough. You’re the best of us.”

Tony’s cheeks were wet, and he was trembling in Steve’s arms. “And you?”

“I’m just a punk kid from Brooklyn.” Steve wiped his tears away with a swipe of his thumb. “I’m so lucky to know you, Tony. I’d like it if we could, ah, go steady? I don’t know what you would call it now. I’d like to date you, if you’d let me.”

“Yes,” Tony said immediately. “Yes, no take-backs, we’re dating now.” He was still crying. “God, I’m a mess.”

Steve just hugged him, pressing kisses into his hair. “You’re my mess now. No take-backs.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I’m working on a chaptered Stony fic right now! Check out my author page and Quiet Afternoon Crush for more. 
> 
> Find me on dreamwidth! I'm neverthelessthesun there, too!


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